Hey,
It's been a while. How've you been? How are the applications coming along? I hope you're happy and safe. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to bother you. It's okay. I respect your decision. I don't like it one bit but I do respect it. Last couple of months have been hard on us... Sorry, you and me. I am well aware of how you feel (or used to feel) about me and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to do what you did. Especially with me fighting you at each step. *pauses a moment* I know, distance is a bitch. And I know that the chances of you and me being together aren't exactly astronomical. Or maybe you've just gotten sick of me. It's okay. They all do eventually. I'm fine, really. Well, I'm breathing, and my organs seem functional. Some days, I don't even think about you. Okay, that was a lie. Truth is, everything reminds me of you. I can't listen to love songs anymore, nor can I listen to Eminem. And the fact that your name is synonymous with an incredibly popular franchise doesn't help either. Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, they say something that reminds me of something you said, and the memories hit me like bullets, slowly ripping me up inside.
But hey, at least I didn't cry over you this time. *laughs*
I wish you'd taken the memories with you. The 3 am phone calls, the ridiculous conversations, talking about 'blue momos' and how pineapples suck as pizza toppings (like seriously, pineapples? What sane person does that?). I wish you'd taken all that with you, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe then I wouldn't have to care or be this upset. I know you're probably not coming back, and maybe you probably don't even care. I wish you'd taught me how to do that. I wish you'd taught me how to just leave someone and pretend like they don't even exist anymore. Maybe then I could finally stop thinking about you.
Sometimes, I dream of you, and each time I wake up, I think of telling you about it, and then I remember. You've left me. And it tears me up inside all over again, every single time. Why did you make me love you if this was how it would end? You know what I've been through. Why would you do this to me? I don't understand. I know you, better than you know yourself, yet somehow, I cannot possibly understand your reasons. I read all our messages, and go over all our conversations over and over again, scrutinizing every single detail, asking myself where I went wrong. Why do I blame myself, you ask? Well, that's because I love you more than anything in this entire universe and I believe that you're never the one at fault, it's always me.
I will always love you, moon-man. Till the last breath leaves my body. But right now, I am giving up the idea that love exists. I am giving up feeling because there's this constant screaming in my head and all I can feel anymore is pain. I can't live like this, love. And you blocking me gave me a very clear message that you don't want me anymore (even though I do, I want you more than anything but I'm never soberly or consciously saying that out loud, again). So, I'm giving up my humanity to keep my sanity.
Regardless, I will always be there for you no matter what. I'll stick with you through thick and thin. When you need me, just let me know. I'll be there, even if it's 2 am or I'm dying. Because that's just how it is when you love someone as much as I love you. I want you to be happy. Even if I'm not the reason for your happiness. If you ever need me, I'm just a phone call or a message away.
I love you, moon-man. Always.
Goodbye (hopefully just for now),
Me.
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