A friend recently asked me why I never text her. I simply shrugged it off and said that I've been busy studying. But that was kind of a lie. It is true that I have been rather busy with my studies off late but to be honest, I always have time to text. I simply choose not to.
Why don't I text first? I do text first. But when I do, I get ignored. And that hurts. It doesn't matter if I'm texting my friends or my crush or anyone for that matter of fact. I get ignored. If I'm lucky, I might get a response but soon enough I get the feeling that I'm being annoying, and I stop talking to that person altogether. I generally don't like talking to people. So, if I voluntarily make an effort to talk to someone, it means that they're pretty fucking special to me. Which makes getting ignored feel even worse.
Imagine talking to someone you're deeply in love with and you feel like they don't actually want to talk to you but they're not willing to say that openly for the sake of being polite. You realize that you're forcing them to talk to you when they actually don't want to. And you realize that they have better people in their lives. And you, you're just not wanted anymore. You're irrelevant to them.
Imagine texting an old friend but they don't have the time to talk to you either. They're busy with their lives and you aren't as important to them as you used to be. It's nobody's fault, but for some reason, you read all the old messages and you wonder what you did wrong. And you torture yourself with the thought that it's your fault. It's always your fault.
Imagine being so fucked up that you consciously don't allow yourself to care about anyone. In fact, letting yourself care about someone is the worst thing imaginable to you. So much so that you slowly start removing yourself from the lives of your loved ones. Little by little, so that they don't notice how you're pushing them away to protect yourself from the pain that comes along with being emotionally attached to another person. It's quite pathetic, to be very honest.
Imagine going through so much emotional shit and not being able to talk to anyone about it. Because you know that no one's going to understand and then you'll regret ever uttering a single word. So, you keep that inside you, till one day, you just explode or have a mental breakdown.
It's really heartbreaking when you feel like you're unwanted by the people you love; when you feel like you shouldn't inflict yourself on your friends. Or, type long messages to the love of your life and then decide to delete them because he's happier without you and you shouldn't bother him with your nonsense.
And this is why I never text first...
I sincerely hope that you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about and I hope that you've never felt this way.
I hope that you always get instant responses that your texts.
I hope that you don't lie sleepless on your bed at night feeling like you're unwanted and utterly worthless.
I hope you have friends who are always up for long conversations with you.
I hope you have happy and fulfilling relationships.
'Cause just because I can't have something, doesn't mean that you can't either. :')
Bye.
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