Pretty faces.

A pretty face is worth nothing when all it does is conceal an ugly soul.
- 04/07/2016

You.

You smiled down at me as I opened my eyes. I'd been lying on the soft grass with my head in your lap. You stroked my hair and we began to talk. We talked about random and ordinary things, but somehow I sensed that both of us were holding something back. A certain tension hung in the air, and I knew why. You did too, I could see it on your face. That's when she walked in and started flirting with you. Somehow, it irritated me to no bounds. I grabbed you and pulled you to myself possessively and snapped at her, "Back off. He's mine."
The look on my face must have been terrifying because she turned pale and quickly ran away. I let go and turned to face you and saw you staring at me with an amused expression.
"Yours?" You asked me, with a cheeky grin playing on your lips.
"Uh. Um..." I stammered, as you moved in and wrapped your arms around me, pulling me close. All the tension had just melted away.
"Yours." You said, before leaning in.      
                                            **
I woke up and smiled. Then I remembered. You're still gone. I'm still alone. Still empty. Still waiting for you. Well, part of me is. The other part of me has turned into you, and it keeps on telling me to "grow up". Well, I don't want to...
You know what the worst part is? I'm starting to forget the sound of your voice. You're gone, and I know that I have to accept it but losing what I have left of you is terrifying. You made me human again, and losing you would mean losing what I have left of my humanity. I used to think that it wouldn't be so bad. I wouldn't have to feel anymore, I wouldn't have to care anymore. But my ability to feel makes me who I am, and if I lose that, then I lose myself. When I first started talking to you, I never imagined that you would mean so much to me. I thought that you'd be like all the other silly crushes I had. But something happened. I don't know what or when. Maybe it was the fact that I didn't have to correct your grammar every two sentences (I swear, bad grammar is such a turn off), or maybe it was your lame jokes, or maybe it was how you paid attention to everything I said, or maybe it was so easy for me to bare my soul to you without any fear of ridicule or maybe it was how you knew me better than I knew myself. I don't know. I just know that one morning I woke up and all I could think about was you. And since then, I was yours. Still am. Even though distance keeps us miles apart, not a day goes by when I don't think of how good it would feel to run my fingers through your hair, how good it would feel gaze into those beautiful dark eyes of yours and talk about random things, how good it would feel hug you and feel your heart beating against mine, and particularly about how good it would feel to pull your nose and cover your mouth with my hands when you annoy me. *laughs*
We're, sorry, you and I are stuck in a Schrodinger's cat paradox. The chances of us seeing each other is like the cat in the box and time and distance make up the vial of poison. If the vial breaks, the cat dies, if it doesn't, the cat lives but as long as the box isn't opened we don't know for sure. So as long as the box is closed, the cat is both dead and alive and you are both right and wrong, as am I. The only way to know is to know for sure. Which we don't.
All that aside, I know you've been hurt before. And I know that it's hard for you to trust me. I don't blame you. Even I wouldn't trust me. I'm not going to say that I won't ever leave you, because who knows, I could die tomorrow. But the fact remains that I love you more than anything else. I wish I could say that to you right now. But I'm scared. I keep a distance because I don't want to get hurt. And you have no idea how miserable that is. One part of me types long messages to you and the other part deletes them because it is well aware of how stubborn you can be. Oh yes, you're probably the most obstinate person I know, apart from myself. You know what, scratch that, you're even more stubborn than I am. And it annoys me that I can have my way with everyone, except you. You think you're so complicated but you're not, really. You have the purest soul among all the people I know and you hide that because you're well aware of how the world treats good people. Emotions often make you feel confused and awkward and you try to cover all that up with lame humour. You constantly push people away because it terrifies you when someone gets too close. You're a little strict about staying up late but it's only because you care. And that makes you my favourite person in the whole world.
How ironic it is. I love you so much, yet lack the courage to talk to you anymore. *sigh*
Maybe someday you'll miss me and text me first. Or maybe you won't cause you probably don't care anymore. Whatever. It hurts too much to think about you right now.
Anyway.
Good night.
I love you. Always.

On Bullies And Haters.

We've all faced bullies or haters or both at some point in our lives, if you haven't, either you're incredibly lucky or you were homeschooled or you are one. In which case you'll have no idea what I'm talking about. Being bullied isn't a very pleasant experience. Ask anyone who's been bullied. 'Why the sudden post about bullying?', you must be wondering, if you're a frequent visitor to my page. Well, some people I know (or don't actually, as I've never spoken to one of them) have started this hate campaign against me. It's rather insignificant, much like them, but I don't like all this negative energy that's being continually thrown at me. I could just punch them in the face but why would I want to soil my knuckles with such filth?
I have my theories about why they hate me so much, but I'm not gonna make any statements without conclusive proof (unlike them). It's rather annoying, you know. I mean, it feels like you're being watched and bitched about every single second (and most probably that's what's actually happening). I marvel at the sheer joblessness of these people but also feel kinda flattered at the fact that they spend their breath talking about me. X'D
If you jerks are reading this, which you probably are, since you spend so much time hating me and obsessing over everything I do, I have something to say to you. Get a life, please? If you can't afford one, lemme know, I'll help you out. Cause, you know, I'm a decent person who has better things to do than judge people. Oh, and kindly stop attempting to convince my friends that I'm "bad". They know me better than you ever will. And yes, I might be "fat and weird" but I still have more talent in my pinky toe than all of you combined. Also, didn't your mothers tell you that it's rude to talk about someone behind their back? But then again, I guess it's fitting that you should talk about me behind my back, since that's where you guys belong - 'behind my back'.
How sad and pathetic you all must be. I actually feel sorry for you guys. I look at my best friends and feel so grateful. So, I guess I have you to thank for that. It's when I see you backstabbing, filthy, lying pieces of scum (woah, I just abused alphabetically XD), I have a deeper appreciation for my best friends. I bet there's a special place in in hell reserved for each one of you.
But still, I can understand your jealousy. To quote Meghan Trainor (who, BTW, is amazing <3), "If I was you, I'd wanna be me too." :*
My darling Haters, you may now crawl back into whatever hole you came out of. :)
Okay, bye. :*

The Un-sent Letter.

Hey,

It's been a while. How've you been? How are the applications coming along? I hope you're happy and safe. I miss the sound of your voice but I don't want to bother you. It's okay. I respect your decision. I don't like it one bit but I do respect it. Last couple of months have been hard on us... Sorry, you and me. I am well aware of how you feel (or used to feel) about me and I can't imagine how difficult it must have been for you to do what you did. Especially with me fighting you at each step.  *pauses a moment* I know, distance is a bitch. And I know that the chances of you and me being together aren't exactly astronomical. Or maybe you've just gotten sick of me. It's okay. They all do eventually. I'm fine, really. Well, I'm breathing, and my organs seem functional. Some days, I don't even think about you. Okay, that was a lie. Truth is, everything reminds me of you. I can't listen to love songs anymore, nor can I listen to Eminem. And the fact that your name is synonymous with an incredibly popular franchise doesn't help either. Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, they say something that reminds me of something you said, and the memories hit me like bullets, slowly ripping me up inside.

But hey, at least I didn't cry over you this time. *laughs*

I wish you'd taken the memories with you. The 3 am phone calls, the ridiculous conversations, talking about 'blue momos' and how pineapples suck as pizza toppings (like seriously, pineapples? What sane person does that?). I wish you'd taken all that with you, maybe then it wouldn't hurt so much. Maybe then I wouldn't have to care or be this upset. I know you're probably not coming back, and maybe you probably don't even care. I wish you'd taught me how to do that. I wish you'd taught me how to just leave someone and pretend like they don't even exist anymore. Maybe then I could finally stop thinking about you.

Sometimes, I dream of you, and each time I wake up, I think of telling you about it, and then I remember. You've left me. And it tears me up inside all over again, every single time. Why did you make me love you if this was how it would end? You know what I've been through. Why would you do this to me? I don't understand. I know you, better than you know yourself, yet somehow, I cannot possibly understand your reasons. I read all our messages, and go over all our conversations over and over again, scrutinizing every single detail, asking myself where I went wrong. Why do I blame myself, you ask? Well, that's because I love you more than anything in this entire universe and I believe that you're never the one at fault, it's always me.

I will always love you, moon-man. Till the last breath leaves my body. But right now, I am giving up the idea that love exists. I am giving up feeling because there's this constant screaming in my head and all I can feel anymore is pain. I can't live like this, love. And you blocking me gave me a very clear message that you don't want me anymore (even though I do, I want you more than anything but I'm never soberly or consciously saying that out loud, again). So, I'm giving up my humanity to keep my sanity.

Regardless, I will always be there for you no matter what. I'll stick with you through thick and thin. When you need me, just let me know. I'll be there, even if it's 2 am or I'm dying. Because that's just how it is when you love someone as much as I love you. I want you to be happy. Even if I'm not the reason for your happiness. If you ever need me, I'm just a phone call or a message away.

I love you, moon-man. Always.

Goodbye (hopefully just for now),
Me.

"It's complicated."

I honestly don't know what's worse,
Loving someone you can't be with,
Or being with someone you can't love.

Oh Death.

Numb.