Dear Ex-Best Friend.

Hey. It's been a while since I last thought of you, but I an found old slam book entry by you today. I'd like to say that it didn't matter to me and I didn't care, but somehow, I realized that I missed you, for quite some time, honestly. You were my best friend, my go-to person for everything. I connected with you in ways that I couldn't (and still can't) with anyone else. I believed that you understood me but you never did, did you? I was just someone that you emotionally exploited to serve your own ends. I was young, foolish and didn't realize it at that time. I don't think I ever would have realized if you hadn't betrayed me all those years ago. The date may have faded from my memory, but the events never will. Honestly, you don't deserve a sentence from me, but I deserve to say what I've been holding in for all these years. You were a terrible friend. You lied and manipulated people as and when you felt like it. I guess you probably did that to me the most. And to think, I would have given my life to save yours. *laughs* I guess you probably did a lot of other things, but as I don't have definitive proof that you did those things, I won't mention any of it here. There was a time when I hated you, but I've come to realize that hatred is exhausting. You don't deserve my forgiveness, but I deserve to be at peace. I guess you were a lesson. A lesson that the people you love the most are the ones who'll hurt you the most. People think I have trust issues because of my first relationship, but that's just partly true. I don't trust people because every time I try to let my guard down, I'm instantly reminded of everything you did. And I just shut people out. Apart from a few very special people, I haven't allowed myself to get close to anyone. I guess I should thank you for what you did. Now, I have the basic sense to understand who I should let into my life and who I shouldn't. If I was like you, I'd hope that someday, someone would do to you, exactly what you did to me. But I'm not like you. And I don't wish that on you, or anyone for that matter of fact. I'm glad that you're not in my life anymore, I have better people in my life now. I have a best friend who actually considers me to be her best friend and isn't afraid to admit it in front of other people (unlike you). She and I may be two vastly different people, but she and I share something that you and I never did. And that is the utmost honesty and respect for each other. You held me back and didn't allow me to grow as a person.  Thank you for leaving, because if you hadn't, I probably would have missed out on being friends with the most amazing individuals ever. Also, like I said before, yeah, I missed you but that doesn't mean I want you back in my life ever again.
Thanks for nothing.
Goodbye.
PS. - If you're actually reading this then there's one more thing I'd like to say to you. It's, screw you. Screw you for all the lies and the fake promises. You never deserved to be my friend and I want you to know that you missed out on having someone who would never abandon you. You mean nothing to me anymore. Now, you may carry on with your mediocre life. Adios, stranger.

Those deleted messages.

"No reply. That's fine, I don't mind... You know what? No, it's not. It hurts,and it just sucks when you seem to find time for everyone except me. It's late, but I need to get this out of my system. It hurts like fuck when you don't reply to my messages. I don't know what sucks more, waiting an entire day for a reply and not getting it or the feeling of absolute and utter worthlessness that comes after it. I hate it. I hate everything about it. I know, I'm supposed to be all 'chill' and not care but for some stupid reason I do. I care, a lot. And it sucks. I wish I could just be numb and feel nothing at all, but then again, I guess that's not how feelings work. You don't have a button that you can simply press to shut off your feelings. Although that would be easier, and safer. That way, I wouldn't have to bother about you texting me back, I wouldn't have to risk getting hurt and I wouldn't have to risk being vulnerable. But in this case, I didn't have much of a choice, now did I? My heart simply gave itself to you and before I realized, every fibre of my very existence belonged to you. I'm yours, body and soul. You're the reason I learned how to smile again, yet ironically, you are the one who can hurt me most. I don't want to get hurt, but every time you ignore me, it feels like someone's stabbing me, over and over again, yet somehow, I'm still alive. I don't intend to feel this way, but it's sort of an involuntary reaction. I'm not an emotional person, in fact, I'm pretty much dead inside but you make me feel things. And I have no idea how to deal with feeling things. You mean more to me than you can ever imagine and I, myself can ever understand. I write poetry for you, dammit. Isn't that explanation enough? I get jealous sometimes and act crazy, but it's only because I love you so much and the thought of losing you terrifies me. You say I over-think and I over-assume but don't you understand? People have played with my feelings before and I've fallen for it, more times than I care to admit. They pretended to love me and then used me, emotionally and physically. I don't want that to happen to me again because I can't go through all the suffering, the humiliation, the self-loathing and the pain all over again. And if it came from you, a person that I actually love, I don't think I'd be able to survive this time. I care too much, I'm aware. Why else would I be typing such a huge message at 4.00 a.m? Why else would I stay up the whole night hoping that maybe you'd miss me and maybe you'd text? You're the only one for me and even though I'd never soberly or consciously admit it, but it hurts me to see you give more importance to other girls than me. Other girls who are prettier, thinner, have great hair and are in a much closer vicinity to you than I am. I force myself to think about how they are much more attractive than I am, and I remind myself that I am fat, ugly and probably good for nothing and that I should thank my stars that someone as amazing as you even spends a second to talk to me. And it is in those hours, when I'm being bullied by my relentless mind, I wish that you would just tell me that you're here for me, that you're not gonna leave me like all those other people and you're not gonna break my heart all over again. I love you, for everything that you were, everything that you are and everything that you will be. I think I'll just stop here. Goodnight, love."

She finished typing and read her message once. Silent tears fell out of her eyes as her thumb hovered over the send button for a moment but she pressed the delete button instead, and switched off her phone. After that, she cried quietly till the entire exhaustion of it slowly lulled her into a deep, dreamless sleep.